To, Miss Jean Louis aka Scout ❤️

You are an inspiration,

A little bundle of joy,

A hard nut to crack,

An overnight thinker,

But,

All this and much more,

You got it from Atticus,

You prefer to call him Sir,

Instead of dad,

You love your father,

In ways,

Unspeakable,

Undescribable,

You follow him,

Trust him,

Respect him,

Blindly,

He on the other hand,

Loves you unconditionally,

You are his Star,

His ray of sunshine,

On extremely cloudy days,

Throughout the novel,

You are trying and trying too hard maybe,

To make things work,

You hate,

You hit,

You love,

You hid,

All that you do,

You do with such grace,

Miss Jean Louis,

Your kindness makes me fall for you every time,

You rebellious heart makes me love you even more,

You are not just a character my love,

You are a whole new and beautiful world in yourself,

I will keep you close to my heart,

Forever and ever.

With Love,

From Tannya💫

Exploring myself. Prompt- Explore

Sometimes,
It is too hard to accept yourself,
the changes,
that you encounter in yourself,
are something,
you’ve never seen coming,
And yet,
Now they are the most prominent,
part of who you have become,
I know change is the only constant
Will be, your argument to this,
But to me these changes, they make me feel fractured, in many aspects,
Sometimes,
you feel too much,
Sometimes,
You feel NOTHING,
You’ve been good to yourself,
You’ve become a dictator to yourself,
This is you too,
But sometimes,
You are a social butterfly,
Then Sometimes,
You are a turtle,
Refusing to come out of you shell,
Just because,
you’ve been a butterfly lately,
Life is never,
All black and white,
It’s all shades of Grey,
And you my dear is one of those shade,
Grey is colourful too,
Cry a River,
Build a bridge,
Get over it
They say,
Life was beautiful with black and white Tv’s too,
They say,
You’ve changed,
They say,
I am now lost into,
These nights,
Because,
THEY sleep,
At night,
And i am wide awake,
Playing a game of chess with my demons,
Every night,
Only to loose it every night.

Ghosting.

No one,
On a serious note,
No one,
Knows what goes on,
On the other side,
You are,
Sweet,
Beautiful,
Intellectual,
And what not,
And you are ,
Shattered,
All over the place,
Under the sheets,
Hiding,
In the kitchen,
Stuffing all the stress,
Into you stomach,
Feeling trippy,
This us you too,
Hard,
Even Harder,
When you stay like a ghost,
Away from,
Everything,
Everyone,
And when someone asks,
How are you,
And you are,
Back from your Grave,
To say,
I am good ,
Hope you are fine too,
No one,
Like literary,
No one,
Should,
Would,
Could,
Ever know you,
You hide,
You hibernate,
You cut off,
You live,
You love,
You survive,
LIKE A GHOST,
Is this you?
Or,
Are you hiding?
Are you afraid?
Are you still alive?
Ask yourself more questions,
You yourself run away,
From answering them,
Life is ironic.
Well have you heard of living dead,
Maybe!

Night owl (part-2) Prompt- silence

The night,
It’s silence,
Seems calm,
Yet,
Soo chaotic,
For me,

Nothing that makes sense,
Starts making sense,
At 1 am,
Brain is at its highest potential,
Then I jump into my happy dose,
Happy till 2am,
Then suddenly,
My old friend hits me,
Named,
*Repent for your Wrong decisions*
Now,
Feeling too vulnerable,
Too alone,
Too much pain,
Everything,
Seems lopsided,
A catastrophe,
A web of lies,
My demons,
They celebrate,
Looking at my helplessness,
They say it’s the devil’s time,
At 3am,
I cannot disagree,
Hence,
Advancing towards,
More regretful decision,
And finally by 4,
The shouldn’t be done,
Has turned into DONE,
and the regret game begins,
Yet again,
Leaving me all melancholic,
Sad and lonely at 4am,
And suddenly,
Hungry at 5 am,
And all the more suddenly,
Asleep by 5:01 am.

Prompt-Free

The Tree.

The tree outside my room,

I keep looking at it most of the time,

From my window;

Last night it rained,

While I was looking at this tree,

The only thought I had was,

I want to be as wild as this tree,

The way it dances,

While the rain on it leaves bounces,

The way it almost smiles,

When the thunder shines,

The way it humms a song,

While the wind play along,

I want to be like this tree,

As happy,

As growing,

As flowery,

As helping,

As loving,

As living,

I want to be just like this tree,,

Every day I look at it from my window,

The way it progresses,

From a little plant,

To,

A whole new tree,

It has been quite a journey,

But all the time this baby,

Stood still,

Stood tall,

And never took a toll,

Whatever may come,

Be it heat,

Rain,

Rainbow,

Wind,

The tree always enjoyed wherever the situation may unwind.

May(pun intended)2020

Say whatever you may,

But,

This world is full of,

Dead wishes and unsung songs,

This May;

Do whatever you may,

But,

This pandemic has swallowed’

This May,

All those lives it has taken,

Are gone forever,

The ones left will never see,

The same May;

Go wherever you may,

To the kitchen

To the balcony

To the bathroom,

Will be your only destination,

Whatever may?

 

When you finally breakdown in this lockdown,

Call who so ever, you may,

But,

The television,

The laptop,

The moon,

The stars and the beautiful sky,

Will be your only companions,

To console your wailing heart,

This May,

 

Think whatever you may,

This disease has gulped down its throat many lives,

This May,

But, But, But,

I am surprised at its audacity to promote,

EQUALITY,

Breaking this class and caste hierarchy,

In this society,

Everyone is a potential victim,

Whatever may,

 

Look wherever you may,

The sun will rise and so you may,

The SON should rise,

So, pray you may,

Let your prayers be answered,

We all are together in this,

Whatever may,

And will win this too,

Whatever may.

And hope for a beautiful next May.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Un-Me

Failure
How do you deal with it?
Do you even deal with it?
Or do you ignore it?
What do you exactly do with it?
Does it haunt you?
I need an answer.
Because
I am constantly failing,
At everything,
Fucking everything,
I am failing,
At being myself,
I cannot really see myself clearly,
To be true,
It’s all blurry,
I am failing to see myself,
I am all over the place
It’s not a mess,
It’s a filthy web that I call myself now,
How do I even deal with myself at this stage,
I have Three companions,
Helplessness,
Stress,
Nothingness,(A Deep Mr. Void)
I cannot say no to them,
You see,
They are my only companions,
I have literally,
Lost all,
Respect and dignity,
For myself in my eyes,
Let alone others,
I am at loss,
Of words,
When I have to describe myself,
There is a blockage,
Inside me,
It wont let me do anything,
I am lagging behind,
Into nothingness;
I was a front bench student,
Who used to be a topper once,
And now look at me,
I cannot even recognize,
what I was,
Or,
Who I was,
At one point of time,
This is just not me,
I am lost somewhere,
Between,
Trying too hard,
Or,
Not at all,
When I think of future,
I don’t see myself anywhere,
I wanted to accomplish something,
Till 24,
It was my only dream,
What I used to call my religion,
And look at me,
Just look at me,
And I am nothing but a wrecking piece of flesh and blood put together by force,
I started with a destination in my mind,
And amidst this web called society and its discourses I lost everything I had,

And a plan that I knew as the back of my hand,
I lost my will,
My will to do anything,
I lost it…
With no hope of getting it back,
I dont even want to try,
I give up.

Day-23 Prompt – Note

Night owl by heart.

 

Never have I ever been a morning person by heart,

Always been a night owl,

Never have I ever slept early with consent of my heart,

Always been sleeping at 5am as a woe,

Never have I ever slept before the birds started chirping,

Always been a lover of birds song,

Never have I ever missed the sunshine peeping,

Always been a lover of big open windows and curtains drawn,

This morning was also the same,

But a little changed,

I smiled like a baby,

As soon as I woke up,

Kept staring at the sun lit curtains,

Giving me hope for good things to come up,

I smiled like the roses outside my room maybe,

Ran to smell them and meet my four paws babies,

Took a refreshing bath,

With my special body wash,

Tried to complete the to do list like a psychopath,

But what I mess I made in a hurry Oh my GOSSHH,

Leaving everything aside,

Going back to sleep was what I finally decide,

Again slept like a baby keeping all the worries aside,

The day passed by like this,

The night knocked the door,

Again the night owl woke up like this,

And the brain started working like a conquistador.

Day-22 Prompt-Tempo

An Introduction

by Kamala Das

I don’t know politics but I know the names
Of those in power, and can repeat them like
Days of week, or names of months, beginning with Nehru.
I am Indian, very brown, born in Malabar,
I speak three languages, write in
Two, dream in one.
Don’t write in English, they said, English is
Not your mother-tongue. Why not leave
Me alone, critics, friends, visiting cousins,
Every one of you? Why not let me speak in
Any language I like? The language I speak,
Becomes mine, its distortions, its queernesses
All mine, mine alone.
It is half English, halfIndian, funny perhaps, but it is honest,
It is as human as I am human, don’t
You see? It voices my joys, my longings, my
Hopes, and it is useful to me as cawing
Is to crows or roaring to the lions, it
Is human speech, the speech of the mind that is
Here and not there, a mind that sees and hears and
Is aware. Not the deaf, blind speech
Of trees in storm or of monsoon clouds or of rain or the
Incoherent mutterings of the blazing
Funeral pyre. I was child, and later they
Told me I grew, for I became tall, my limbs
Swelled and one or two places sprouted hair.
WhenI asked for love, not knowing what else to ask
For, he drew a youth of sixteen into the
Bedroom and closed the door, He did not beat me
But my sad woman-body felt so beaten.
The weight of my breasts and womb crushed me.
I shrank Pitifully.
Then … I wore a shirt and my
Brother’s trousers, cut my hair short and ignored
My womanliness. Dress in sarees, be girl
Be wife, they said. Be embroiderer, be cook,
Be a quarreller with servants. Fit in. Oh,
Belong, cried the categorizers. Don’t sit
On walls or peep in through our lace-draped windows.
Be Amy, or be Kamala. Or, better
Still, be Madhavikutty. It is time to
Choose a name, a role. Don’t play pretending games.
Don’t play at schizophrenia or be a
Nympho. Don’t cry embarrassingly loud when
Jilted in love … I met a man, loved him. Call
Him not by any name, he is every man
Who wants. a woman, just as I am every
Woman who seeks love. In him . . . the hungry haste
Of rivers, in me . . . the oceans’ tireless
Waiting. Who are you, I ask each and everyone,
The answer is, it is I. Anywhere and,
Everywhere, I see the one who calls himself I
In this world, he is tightly packed like the
Sword in its sheath. It is I who drink lonely
Drinks at twelve, midnight, in hotels of strange towns,
It is I who laugh, it is I who make love
And then, feel shame, it is I who lie dying
With a rattle in my throat. I am sinner,
I am saint. I am the beloved and the
Betrayed. I have no joys that are not yours, no
Aches which are not yours. I too call myself I.

This is my favourite poem, every time I felt helpless, alone, unable to speak or was unable to bleed with ink on a sheet of paper, the lines of this poem come running to my rescue, reminding me that someone felt exactly what I am feeling right now, they remind me that I am not alone and this too shall pass and there will be sunshine and flowers blooming and butterflies.

The literary device named Anaphora has been used in the poem to deepen the pain, feeling of alienation and melancholy that the poet has been struggling with and the sufferings in a patriarchal society, which has been constantly suppressing desires.

It is a confessional poem, the fact that the theme of society, politics, family, sex, marriage, love and an unnamed relationship are all so beautifully blended together that one never really feels disconnected.

Kamala Das has been considered as a pioneer of confessional style of poetry and this poem has been considered as one of her masterpiece. While you go through the poem you can visualise each and every line which makes the poem even more impactful and appeals to the heart and the mind at the very same time. You can feel the pain, the agony, the hate and pangs of hunger for love and for being accepted all at once and you cannot just let go of these emotions, they stay with you for long, longer than you can imagine. Hence the poem is in itself is a masterpiece.

I read this poem for the first time in 2016 and since then it has stayed with me and has become my source of strength and courage.

Day-21 Prompt-Instrument

I would love to learn how to play a Flute. I am a follower of Lord Krishna. As far as I can remember, I always accompanied my father to the temple
and there were huge paintings and sculptures of Lord Krishna playing a flute and all the Gopis swooning around him. It is said that none of the Gopis could resist the sound of Lord Krishna’s flute they would come running to hear him play the flute. It is also said that Lord Krishna would take his cows for grazing while playing the flute and they all followed him and the sound of his flute blindly. There are several myths and stories like this and they always fascinated me as a child. Also during my graduation, the city I used to live in, had a lake, I loved visiting that lake and every evening there used to be an old man who used to play soul soothing flute at the lake. I used to sit there for hours, looking at the people, the lake, the trees and everything the flute playing in the background used to be the best part.
One day when I will finally manage to learn how to play a flute,I will play my favourite song on it that is Bhage re maan from the movie Chameli.
The song begins with a flute being played.

Day-20 Prompt- Music

Dear Mr. Void.

I have been mentioning your name,

In my scribblings,

Time and again,

Sometimes,

With spontaneity,

Sometimes,

With resentment,

Sometimes,

With contempt,

But these are just words you see,

They fail,

Every time,

When I want to open my heart,

And let these words bleed,

All I find is you,

Void,

Void,

Void,

This abyss,

This engulfs me,

Leaves me with nothing,

But a hanging skeleton,

Why can’t you just take a break,

Roam around,

Let my soul fill itself,

With what the world has to offer,

I want to feel roses,

I want that electric blood flow,

Which I feel when I swim,

I want to swim into the deepest Oceans of happiness and success and love and desire,

But since,

I have been your favourite,

Swimming to me has just become melancholic,

You see,

Swimming in a pool was my source of deepest pleasure,

And look what you have done to me now,

You are the reason I cannot breath this air the way I used to,

With a little smile on my face and a pinch of happiness drooling in my heart,

I have to force it inside me now,

The music that i used to call my healer has now become nothing but a rant,

I used to fill my soul with it,

Music gave me wings to fly,

Reason to believe in everything,

Most of all it gave me hope,

But now all I hear is,

Echoing nothingness,

Or,

A dead silence,

Everything to me is a noise now,

Even the chirping of birds that i used to love,

Is a noise,

Look, look, look,

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE,

Your presence has been quite affective and enough soul searching has been done,

Now please,

Please have mercy and leave me alone,

A humble request,

Dear Mr.Void begone.

Day-19, Prompt- Three

Three Magical Words.

NOTE- I am not going to talk about *I LOVE YOU* or *SORRY, PLEASE, THANK YOU* as the three magical words because let’s accept that we all have read enough about them, so here we go about my three magical words.

NO, NO & NO

Trust me when I say this

Today,

more than ever,

We need to learn,

How to say NO,

It is the need of the hour

Say it out loud

To all those who

Try to,

 Sabotage you,

Dominate you,

Suffocate you,

Suppress you,

A clear no to them;

And to yourself too,

A clear no,

To those negative thoughts,

To the self hate,

To self doubt,

To overthinking,

To procrastination,

To self harm,

To reliving painful memories,

To self blame game,

To all the stress eating, (most importantly during this lockdown)

A clear NO;

Try and say NO loudly,

Close the doors and repeat it,

Or,

Open the windows and scream on the top of your lungs,

Over and over again

It feels exhilarating my friend;

A clear no is always a better,

Than,

A mind full of,

Oh no,

Hell no,

And,

Oh God no,

Life never asks for consent my friend,

(before well…You know what it does)

But gives you enough chances,

To learn how to say NO,

So better learn to say NO,

Before,

It’s too late,

And you do not have a clue.,

Of what to do,

And,

Where to go,

And you are stuck in a world full of,

What ifs.

day-18 Prompt-New

The Ocean

Nothing that comes into this Ocean stays,

Everything perishes at the shore,

This all welcoming,

All mysterious,

All encompassing Ocean,

When it loves,

It loves too deep,

But,

When left half loved,

Leaves the unloved on the shores,

Before they try to fool it more,

Like the Pearl,

Which was once a priceless possession?

Was kept hidden in its deepest darkest depths,

Aloof from this bloodthirsty world,

But,

One morning was left unattended on the shore,

As the ocean did not felt the same sane love anymore,

The pearls were left on their own,

To live or to die,

To stay or to go away,

And no more love or concern,

To them,

By the Ocean,

Was ever shown,

 

When the Ocean loves,

It loves too deep,

It loves too hard,

Still,

Nothing that comes to it stays;

 

Maybe it’s meant to be that way,

Maybe the ocean has to learn,

How to love in a new way,

Maybe its depths are to strangle and to hide,

And nothing else whatever may,

Maybe the love that the ocean has learnt,

Has learnt the wrong way?

 

Still,

 One day something New will come,

And stay,

Stay forever with the ocean,

Teach the Ocean the love’s new notions,

Cherish its depths with full devotion

Lighten its darkest portions,

Embrace its flaws,

and won’t ever leave,

The Ocean in any situation,

 

Because

when the ocean loves,

it loves too hard,

it loves too deep.

Day-17 Prompt – Distance

Ode to a friend.

This distance between us,

It is like a slow poison,

It’s been 3 years,

Since you left,

This home,

This place,

This planet,

And me,

I know you are happy wherever you are,

I know you are running in some beautiful garden,

Chasing butterflies,

Rolling over the wet grass,

Splashing water on your face,

And here I am missing you,

Everyday,

You know,

It’s been a ritual for us to wake eachother up and wish good morning,

I wake up everyday hoping you’d come from somewhere,

Running and jump on my bed and wake me up,

I still hope that it was just a nightmare when you left me alone,

17 years,

Babu,

We have been together,

Stick or stuck,

We shared everything,

From bed to bread to your favourite cheese to my favourite cake,

Now with whom do I share it with,

It’s been tough you see,

Not to feel your furr while I study,

Not to be watched while I waste time,

Not having anyone to dance like crazy,

With you everything was happy,

You were my rainbows and unicorns,

And now look at me,

What a wrecking piece of shit I have become,

I have no one to hug and cry,

I have no one to celebrate at night with,

I have no one wiggling her tail when I come home,

No one bub,

I want to cry and scream out your name,

But I know you won’t come to me,

No day goes by,

when I dont think of you hiding inside my bed,

Every night before going to bed,

I still check under my bed,

I wish to see you,

I still cannot get over it that you are not here,

Why would you leave me all alone?

Why?

I was with you,

every time you fall sick,

Every time you wanted me,

But now,

More than ever,

I need you,

Timtim,

It took me 3 years to finally write about you,

Can you now please stop this hide and seek game and come back to me,

I am going to my bed,

I will look under it,

I want you to be there,

Please be there,

I promise I won’t let you go this time,

Please be there.

P.s

No one can ever take your place. I mean it no one in this entire world. You were and always be my only baccha, my only friend, my only sister, my happy pill and my confidant. Irrespective of this distance I still love you and will keep loving you. I try to find you in every four paws friend that I make bit I fail miserably.

Day 17 prompt – Distance

Boxed.

A day,

A few days,

A week,

A few weeks,

A month,

A few months,

And now I have lost track,

Of you,

Of me,

Of us, ( if ever it was )

Memories,

They have started to blur,

Failing my power to recall them,

I have boxed myself,

Into thinking that you never were here,

Close to me,

Breathing the same air,

Under the same Sky,

I have boxed myself,

Into thinking you were the best thing that happened to me,

And no one else can be better,

I have boxed myself,

Into thinking that now,

Nothing can penetrate,

These walls that I have created,

No ray of sunshine or hope can or will ever enter,

I have boxed my madness,

My love,

My hate,

My happiness,

My smile,

My vision,

My eyes from seeing anyone,

Being a procrastinator,

I have been pushing everything for too long,

Those pangs of pain would come every time I tried to move ahead,

Those memories flash unexpectedly every time I visit a place where we were together,

Something sinks inside me,

Too deep to stand still,

Too hard to handle,

These walls were my solace,

My comfort zone,

My world with nothing but a void,

That I felt inside out,

But now I feel like punching these walls,

It will hurt,

I know,

But maybe,

I need to feel the pain that I have been hiding from,

Running away from,

Maybe,

I should give up now,

I need to bleed,

Let it flow,

So that I do not bleed on someone who does not deserve it,

Maybe I will feel helpless,

Maybe I will still be weak,

Maybe I will be shattered,

I want to accept myself,

I want to go back to that garden that i love the most with countless roses and my puppy nudging around me,

I want to feel that again,

I want my garden to be full of sunshine and no more gloom,

I know its hard maybe harder,

But i will not rest till i live it,

Because I love, love, love it,

And unlove you,

Let go of you.