Pain.

You don’t know pain,

Until you sit there begging god for peace,

Your whole body shivering to be hugs and eased of all the pain that it has been carrying,

Carrying for way to long that the bruises seem to have become a birth mark,

The pain it’s like those thorns on a beautiful rose,

The rose sure looks beautiful but when you try and come close to it you bleed,

I feel the thorns all over my body,

Piercing my skin leaving it bleeding,

No bandages work,

No ointment helps,

Only draining blood in ounces,

Do you feel me?

I’ve been begging and begging and begging for some relief maybe temporary,

It’s too much to be endured for such a long period of time,

The blockage in my mind seems to have rooted itself,

I feel rotten and rusted,

I wasn’t this pathetic ever,

I used to shine,

I used to be admired,

I feel like I am nothing but a disgrace now,

I’ve been begging and begging and begging for the pain to leave me,

Please have mercy on me,

I know I have sinned,

Sinned against sinning,

But sins are forgiven too.

Crazy.

What makes me go crazy,

Effort,

Unconditional love and support,

Long hugs,

Meaningless kisses,

Deep eye contact,

Holding hands even if sweating,

Endless pizza dates,

Timeless understanding,

Unsaid yet understood desires,

Soothing touch,

Countless sunset dates,

Never ending dark room dances,

Sharing earphones just to hear the same songs and zone out,

Eating your ice-cream even when i have my own because somehow yours is always tastier,

Getting flowers everytime you catch me looking at you,

All this make me go crazy like a little girl who wears her heart on her sleeve hugs each and every street dog wherever she may be.

Little girl.

She is a baby,

A little little baby,

She loves candy shops,

She loves chocolates,

She loves merry-go-rounds

She loves to run in a field of flowers,

She loves little four paw babies,

She loves rain,

She loves gifts,

She loves to be pampered,

She loves long hugs,

She loves to listen to the sound of the sea waves,

She loves dressing up,

She loves to let her curly hair let loose,

She loves to dance and go crazy,

She loves to be herself,

She loves those little things that someone does for her,

Like remembering her favourite songs,

Remembering her favourite dishes,

Getting her a beautiful pen,

She loves these little gestures,

She loves, loves, loves to be loved,

Why is world soo hard on her,

Why can’t she be herself,

Why condition her,

Why cage her,

She is a little baby,

Little baby at heart,

She loved soo hard that she is out of love now,

She forgot who she was,

She feels lonely,

She feels sad,

She feels empty,

Do you think a little baby should feel this way?

Then why she?

She did everything to keep His little baby heart happy and pampered,

Then why couldn’t she be treated as a baby?

Why?

She doesn’t understand what’s marriage,

She doesn’t understand what are societal norms,

She’s a baby you see,

All she wanted was to be hugged tight,

Kissed softly,

Loved unconditionally,

But she kept slipping on this road called tomorrow,

“Tomorrow maybe I’ll get that love that I desire” she thought,

But we all know tomorrow never comes,

Hence she died waiting.

I am not.

I am not the same puppy lover,

I am not the same rain lover,

I am not the same smiling puppet,

I am not the same star gazer,

I am not the one you used to talk to,

I am not the care taker,

I am not the endless fountain of love and other addictions you had,

I am not the same old stupid shit that I used to be,

I have outgrown that painting,

I have outgrown my old over giving self,

I need to be my cheerleader,

I need to be my provider,

I need to be my lover first,

I need to be kind to myself first,

But you know what’s the hardest part,

I have forgotten the way back to myself,

It was all you all the time,

I forgot myself somewhere,

That little rebellious kid,

That fearless girl,

That I can get done with anything I decide to take up girl,

That girl went missing in overthinking, over feeling, over analysing everything,

And now the task seems to be hurricane one,

It will take time,

Longer than i thought,

I know,

But trust me I am going to find myself in the end,

I am going to laugh loudly again,

I am going to be me unapologetically again,

I promise,

I am not going to loose the tender soul that knows no boundaries when it comes to love,

I promise I’ll be back to my fearless self again.

Tired Soul.

I am tired,

Tired of all the bodily sickness,

Being a constant magnet to disease,

It’s been 6 months that I’ve been living on medicines,

I haven’t had a chance to mourn the dead Tanya inside me,

I have been pushing and pushing and pushing the whole breakdown,

I know,

I know,

I know very well that I’d have to pay for all this procrastination,

Every cell in my body is crying it’s own tears,

My whole body is loosing this battle against my very soul,

Because you see my soul has given up,

Given up any hope for positivity,

And my body is yearning for an ounce of positiveness,

This battle is a lost one,

My heart too has failed me,

Over the period of time,

I tried to fix it,

But fixing just wont work,

It bleeds even more,

Everytime I try to fix it,

How do I hold myself together,

None of my prayers are being answered,

None of them,

It’s all chaos,

It’s all silent screaming,

It’s all pain and no calm,

I am lost in this web of sadness,

Every breath is a burden,

My eyes are swollen,

My lips chipped and bleeding,

Hands wanting someone to hold them,

Feet trying not to shiver everytime I try to smile.

I do not live by hope anymore.

Romance is DEAD.

yes it is,

yes, you’ve read it right,
Where are those long hand written letters,
Where are those chocolates bought with savings,
Where are those sneaky, shyly taken glances,
Where are those anonymous roses,
The answer is,
3feet under the earth,
The grave has been dug 6feet deep,
Romance is half way through it,
You don’t really see men waiting for a woman to reciprocate their love nowadays,
All you hear is
“oh he has a crush on you”
“Oh he’s been following her for days now”
“Oh she’s a bitch, hasn’t been answering my dm’s “
“Oh she’s not that hot and not that fun type”
Where are those men who would ask a girl if she wants someone to walk her home,
Where are those men who would genuinely want to know what a girl really likes,
Where are those men who would literally do anything to see their girl laugh till her stomach hurts and eyes water,
Where are those days when just by accident touching eachother’s hands gave goosebumps,
Or sharing an ice-cream was considered a token of love,
I wish men who would have a heart as pure as the colour to every flower,
As unadulterated as the honey in a honeycomb,
They come by in your life,
Wanting nothing but your happiness and joy and love and effortless smile,
Expecting nothing but love, trust, comfort and warmth in return,
Before romance is 6feet deep into it’s grave,
And it ends up only in books and classic novels,
I want Romance to live fresh breathe,
Rewind those days,
Rewind those emotions,
Rewind the trust in love,
I know for times like today it’s too much to ask for,
But hope is a beautiful thing they say.
I live by it now.

Tommy Shelby

Your pain was new to me,

Your melancholy,

Your emotions were known yet unfelt to me,

You loved and lost,

You again loved and yet lost again,

That hollow that you carried within you,

With Grace couldn’t be seen or felt,

Without Grace,

You were all over the place,

Your love was powerful and strong,

But out of three you were only in love once,

Your Grace gave you that love despite the hardships that you encountered before you left her,

You lived fully with her,

You celebrated every moment with her,

The very smile that your smiled was directly from you heart when you looked at her,

You wanted her to stay,

You’ve already planned an eternity with her in a very short span,

But she left,

Leaving you broken and heartless all over again,

And this time forever,

She was your Grace,

And I bet no one can take her place not even your very darling horse,

When it comes to love,

Now things have changed,

You are not the same Tommy,

But more of a heartless businessman Mr. Shelby,

Well good luck to to you.

Endless Nothingness

Sometimes it’s like countless thoughts colliding with eachother,

Hitting the walls of my mind causing unbearable pain,

Unutterable and unexplainable sadness spreading like poison inside my body,

Every breath is like pushing oxygen down my air pipe and forcing myself to live another moment unwilling,

This non-living life is of no use all I see is sadness and all I feel is pain,

What do I do,

Who to I hug and cry for hours to,

I was and still am faithful in love,

All I did was, I backed off from my oh so perfect relationship in which I poured my entire heart and soul,

I wanted peace, the relationship was beginning to turn into a chaos and before it got even more chaotic I backed off,

I have forgotten who I was,

I have no identity, I feel,

I am a mix of who I was, who I am, who I want to be, and who I never wanted to be,

Darkness, emptyness, a hollow, painful past, scary future and dead present,

These baggages are my cross to bear now for life.

Us?

Yes,
We invested a decade into this relationship,
Yes,
We did our best,
Yet we are not together for an eternity,
Yet this love won’t die be it at the virge of my insanity,
I wanted to back off from the pain and the stress you are going to get from me,
I know I am untamed and the girl you knew wasn’t entirely me,
You decided to live in oblivion,
Things you never admit I can be are nothing but my true reality,
Even if you want to accept the unacceptable the so called untrue me,
I will still run away from giving you the lifetime pain, the agony and the angst that I never want you to get from me,
Love and care was all I was capable to offer,
And yet fate had other plans for us to suffer,
Heartbreak was never a part of reality to me but just an imaginary bubble,
Never really took it to the heart making it nothing but worthless fear of uninvited trouble,
Yet it has become my reality and you are yet to believe the reality,
Too scared to accept what has happened you time and again run towards me,
Having my arms clutched and heart bleeding I cannot comfort you with a wounded heart like me,
Accept the reality my love because love is all that I have got and given,
Maybe it may last within us for an eternity.

Farewell to you;
Tanya

Where do I live?

Nowhere,

Exactly,

Reality is too painful,

The unreal is unacceptable and painful,

Even my dreams are horrifying,

You,

Yes you,

I loved you,

I devoted myself to you,

I know you did the same,

And yet here we are,

Mourning eachother’s death,

Even before dying,

Is this what is called life?

Is this how a 24 year old is supposed to live?

Neither I nor you ever killed an ant,

What was our fault that we end up soo miserably,

Is it end yet?

I don’t know,

I don’t want to know,

And I am pretty sure neither do you want to know,

I know I messed up at some point,

I know I should have said all the No’s,

I know I should have fought for what never felt right to me,

I always followed you and your command,

I was wrong,

Because i forgot my own self all along,

I killed the inner child in me,

To become the woman you wanted me to be,

Now the reality hits me hard,

Because today I am not what I wanted to be,

I am no one today,

But a fractured reflection of what you envisioned me to be,

And to be true it’s killing me,

I want to be that little kid in a chocolate shop smiling and running,

Because that is who I always wanted me to be,

That kid is me,

I am sorry I can never be who you wanted me to be.

Unapologetically Tanya;

Phase.

What is it that keeps you going?

What is it that make you wake up in the morning?

What is it that make you fall asleep at night?

Every night I am less me and more of my enemy,

Every morning I am still my enemy and keep tormenting myself for the decisions I take,

I am no more THE FEARLESS GIRL that I used to be,

I have myself strangled her to death in deep waters,

All now left is just the bad smelling flesh which was once called a body,

I committed a mistake,

Then another, then another, then another and then the game of regretting began,

It began on such a pace,

That I along with myself took many innocent souls to this slow poisoning downfall of life,

No one can rescue me,

No one,

I have sinned against myself,

And now no one can help me perish,

I am that Ancient Mariner who sinned and was left to repent for his whole life,

I killed an Albatross thinking I will never be able to love it once I get it for life,

Hence, I killed it,

And now it is my burden to carry for life and it’s a mistake which cannot be undone,

I am scared of myself and for everyone around me.

Life! Fucked

You see,

Life is lopsided,

One sided,

No sided,

You want time?

You get it,

But look what you wished for,

Time will be granted to you by this life,

Accompanied by several mental anxieties,

Unparalleled stress,

You see you got time as you asked for it and here you are filled with regret inside,

Life is a bitch,

It’s happy only when it’s f***ed,

Not before that not after that,

It’s never what you wished for,

You are thrown into this mean mean world with endless wishes and you live like a unpaid slave still striving to fulfill you dreams and wishes which you know wont ever be,

These are endless wishes,

Endless greed,

That we fill ourselves with and life has a fun time playing with us,

We are life’s characters infornt of an audience whol loves to live in ignorance,

I feel denounced,

Drenched and brutally wounded,

By life,

I have complaints,

Uncountable and ever flowing tears,

Who do I go to?

Who will shelter me?

Who do I stand accountable to?

Who?

Boundaries.

I have these,

Silly boundaries around myself,I have built them,

But never thought of making a door,

Or a ladder,

To cross them or penetrate them,

These boundaries were made to define me,

To safeguard myself,

From the rest of the world,

But now i see myself,

Confined in them,

They are too high for me,

I cannot even think of crossing them,

I feel captivated in my own boundaries,

Can you feel me?

These were initially a set of goals,My aspirations,My ambitions,Something I used to look up to,

But now they seem too high,

That my neck hurts,My eyes they go blank,

When i look up to them,

They scare me,

They make me feel unworthy of having built them,

These boundaries have become a loop,

Slowly tightening around my neck,

Suffocating me,

Every night seems to be a nightmare,

Having No motivation,

No support,

I try to climb these walls,

Wound myself,

And bleeding take myself to sleep,

This is useless existence I feel,

An animal can do better than me,

I have no clue why have I been born,

This life seems to be lived in vain,

Everything starts with a rainbow and ends at a ditch,

From soaring high to falling flat faced to the ground,

This is exactly how I depict my existing till date.

Birthdays

An insult,

Yes,

Birthdays are an insult,

To those who have no idea of what they are supposed to do with their lives,

They are an insulating yet sweet way of telling that “look you are a year older yet a year more stupid”

They make you feel ” it’s about time that you start counting days before you do something more regretful”

You see people who wish you on your birthday are not really concerned about how you are and what you mentally experience,

They just need you to say *Thank you*

And this is exactly what you are supposed to do,

Without vomiting your pain, guilt, that single sentence that has been hanging in you throat to be let out to someone,

And you brush everything aside and like a good happy birthday girl you say ohh you remembered, thank you sooo much,

These wishes are like ” i wished you on your birthday better remember mine and wish me too” in undertones

I personally think we Humans have lost the real touch,

I am too sceptical when it comes to emotions,

For me birthdays mean nothing, nothing that can make me happy,

Maybe I am too pessimistic,

I can agree with you on that,

But birthdays are just an insulating way of telling you that “look it’s time you get a job you are too old, get married you are too old, or it’s time you have babies your are too old, you gonna have menopause, you are too old to be appealing and sexy” all at the same time for different people,

For me it’s nothing but my parents way of saying you gonna be married to a man you dont know and you’ll have to take care of him like a baby for the rest of your already useless life,

I wanted to say something to someone it was something very important to me but i too brushed it away thinking myself to be too loud about my emotions,

Believe me or not,

We are all hypocrites,

We are scared to open up,

And hence this post is being written,

I cannot spill my beans to anyone except this beautiful page,

It’s my beautiful yet pessimistic world.